


Atypical

by IMtheDevil



Series: Monsta X Short Stories [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 17:11:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMtheDevil/pseuds/IMtheDevil
Summary: Exploring what it might be like as an idol with high-functioning autism.





	Atypical

As soon as the cameras switched off and the stage lights faded, Shownu panicked. He was ecstatic that he had finally debuted, but a tingle of apprehension bit at his mind. If he was about to spend the next few years in close quarters and enduring so much with these six guys, then he had to warn them. Shownu didn’t say anything before because, well, he didn’t know who would be staying, and he didn’t feel like disclosing to all of them.

It was always annoying at first, telling someone that you had a disability. Even worse when there were other, perfectly normal, neurotypical idols who could have taken his place. Shownu decided to wait until the emotional wreckage from No.Mercy had subsided somewhat before telling them. That would be best, he told himself. Easier on everyone.

Shownu felt like he could never find the right moment. They were always busy, always being recorded. At least the manager already knew—that helped him a little. There wasn’t much that could be done, though, without letting the other members in on his little secret. He did his best to simply function. It took almost all he had to maintain the façade. Shownu worried that he couldn’t keep his emotions at the same level when appearing on their varieties or talk shows, but to his advantage, people teased him and called him a robot. It lessened the pressure on him slightly, having that joke about himself.

Part of him was surprised that the others hadn’t figured it out. Between the robot mannerisms, lack of instigating contact, and utter exhaustion that was constantly just a step beyond everyone else’s…how could they be so thick?

Shownu chuckled at the fact that some of them had adjusted to him without even knowing. Minhyuk would want to touch him, but would approach Shownu slower than he did with the other members. He would also be content just hanging onto Shownu’s jacket—claiming the leader as his without skin on skin. Kihyun had stopped bursting into song right next to Shownu’s ear. Jooheon knew that once Shownu’s glasses had slid onto his face, he wasn’t going anywhere despite any amount of begging from the rapper.

Hyungwon and Changkyun were the two Shownu could handle being around the most. Hyungwon, when not spouting sass, was likely asleep or close enough to asleep that he might as well be unconscious. Changkyun was fine with Shownu’s quiet moods. Shownu would often crash in Changkyun’s studio, the two of them just enjoying the other being there without saying anything. The younger would keep mixing music while the older watched or simply zoned out.

Shownu had managed to live his idol life precisely on the line between sanity and everything crashing down around him. Up until their first arena concert, that is. The moment he stepped onto the stage, even though the lights were dimmed, he could feel the crush of bodies just beyond the edge of the railing along the platform. Once the bulbs buzzed into existence, the crowd roared. Shownu froze. The beams were sandpaper against his pupils, the screams were needles to his eardrums, and the eyes on him were darts through his skin.

He wasn’t sure he would make it. He couldn’t think. Brain? What brain? There were only his unwieldy limbs managing to support his body upright. Miraculously, he had frozen in the correct spot to initiate their performance. The others gazed at him, wondering what kept their leader from starting introductions. Minhyuk smoothly took over while Kihyun slapped Shownu on the shoulder. The contact felt like a clap of thunder through Shownu’s body—almost shutting him down instead of snapping him out of it like Kihyun had intended.

Shownu led the introduction, willing his arms and legs to cease trembling. An inaudible sigh of relief released from the members’ mouths once Shownu finally acted. Shownu missed the exchanged glances between the others once they had all straightened out of the bow. His stiff presence continued until he hit his mark for the first song.

Then the music washed over him, drowning out any other stimuli. Automatically, his mind and his body clicked into place. This, he knew. The patterns of movement, the routine—Shownu slipped into the familiar akin to an otter sliding into a river. Graceful, lithe, and comfortable. Gone was the awkwardness, replaced by an unfathomable confidence that he couldn’t quite pinpoint the origin of. Especially since this ability was illogical for someone like him. Yet to him, it made perfect sense. And isn’t that all that really mattered?

He would field the other members’ questions and concerns later. For now, Shownu had a job to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @monmaddie  
> Monbebe Amino: I.M the Devil


End file.
